stonetosser.com

Warning: Overdone analogy ahead. But it's more fun this way.

Do you know your demons? I do. I know many of them so well that I talk to them, inviting them to tea. We have conversations like old friends.

Until recently, I considered this level of familiarity with my dark side a strength. I mean, by getting to know them, I’ve been able to see them for what they really are – horridly distorted imaginings, most of whom turn out to be silly little creatures camping it up around candles that cast monstrous shadows. One by one I’ve been throwing back the black curtains where they hide to reveal them; and one by one they’ve been turning up as little imps and gremlins and – sometimes the most heartbreakingly wounded parts of me. I’m still finding them hiding in the rafters and walls of my mentally haunted house, but after years of work, I’ve finally got most of them showing up for tea to participate in a slightly more socially constructive activity than trashing my subconscious. (And those that aren’t at the table yet will at least sneak in to steal the cookies.)

But here’s the catch. Even now that they will deign to sit at my knee and sip tea with me - no longer hiding in the dark and building up my fears and anxieties into paralyzing fantasies of doom – I find that some of the little buggers are still working against my interests. That’s my big ah-ha today; they’re smaller and less threatening, but - they’re still here!

For example, I’m no longer afraid of people telling me I’m an idiot. This is not because some people aren’t willing to do so, but I no longer let worry about lack of approval stop me from meeting new people, keep me from speaking my truth or draw me into emotionally abusive relationships (personally, professionally or otherwise). Despite having called my Approval Gremlin out of hiding a few years back, however, I did recently notice an anonymous voice in my head coming up with excuses for me not to make a certain phone call... It was insidiously suggesting that I was, indeed, an idiot. “Maybe they haven’t returned your call because you’re really not all that good. They were just being nice when you met them, and you're a fool to believe otherwise….heh, heh, heh...”

WTF? Where did THAT voice come from? Upon conscious investigation of said little voice, I discovered the Approval Gremlin, sitting at my knee with his tea cup and crumpet raised, sporting the silliest, most conniving and fakingly innocent grin on his face.
 
So, I picked up the phone and made the call. The person took my call, explained why he’d been silent and invited me to call back in a few days. Ha! I’m sticking out my tongue at the little Approval Gremlin with this very blog post! Little bastard.

So anyway, for those of you interested in confronting your demons, I’m putting mine up for adoption. Perhaps you’d like a little Approval Gremlin to scamper into your dark corners and drag out the little creatures you’re trying to scare up? Mine’s available immediately. I’ll give him to you! I’ll even give you his tea cup and half eaten crumpet! Ok. Just kidding, I don’t really want to sic the little beastie on you. (Just imagine if they teamed up!) But I will refer you to a worth-reading blog post last week by Joy Mazzola on Owning Pink about confronting your demons. It’s a great run-down of all the things hiding in our mentally haunted houses, just waiting to sabotage our best efforts at living confidently and with courage. I recommend it especially in the wake of Halloween, after the Monsters have left our streets and come back inside to rest.

Good luck with your demons and may they all turn up to be no more than annoying little buggers by the time you tame them into sitting with you for tea.

PS- I haven’t been posting lately because every time I put pen to paper I end up hacking up a literary hair ball. Pardon the image but trust me, sometimes silence is better.